this is how best to do this

sometimes i will remember a thing that happened, involving me, and the immediate feeling of 1. newish realization 2. regret and/or 3. embarrassment will be so great that i'll let out an involuntary whimper. it sounds like a very shocked but immediately resigned "hmnph!" it's full of regret, that sound. sometimes my eyebrows furrow a little. i imagine my eyes look distant.

if you're sitting near me, or standing, and we've been silent for a bit, which will mean that i've been thinking for a bit (i will have begun thinking the second we stop talking, but not in a worried way, of course; i'm able to exist silently in a room with you, of course. it's just that these thoughts demand so much attention, you understand), and you hear a shocked but resigned "hmnph!" coming from the small space i'm inhabiting, and my brow furrows and my eyes are fixed on nothing in particular, you will know what it means. you will know that i can't believe i wore that shirt with that skirt, or that i got in the cab when i should've stopped to consider things further (or at all), or that i made her listen to that song.

you'll know that i've just experienced a real moment of reflection and realization. i hope you will feel a balance of empathy and pride for me. i hope you won't ask what i was just thinking about because, of course, i will probably not be ready to discuss it just yet. in fact, it would be best if you were to act as if you hadn't heard me at all.

i would like for you to slide your leg or arm over, very nonchalantly, so that it touches me in some way, and then begin telling a story. i would probably prefer it to be a story that i've heard before, so i can follow along in my mind. that would be really thoughtful of you.