this is for you

hi it's me,have you gone yet? i went. i talked to this smallish ginger older woman and i didn't tell her two things. i lied about two things, actually. she asked me directly and i said, "no." the truth is yes. some days i like to think the truth is no, but i guess if the truth is ever yes, it's always yes. have you ever had a moment when you knew that what you just did or said would come back and fuck up everything? i'm currently being flooded with reminders of those moments. i wore that same giant grey shirt that i wore all summer because it's the only shirt i feel really comfortable in. it doesn't even look that good on me, which is a shame because i love it. i had a panic attack in the waiting room and i've had so many lately that i just stood up and walked over to the little fridge that holds the complimentary bottles of water, opened it, picked one, twisted off the cap and auto-pilot swallowed a xanax. like i've done this a million times. like i've been doing this my whole life. + + but i haven't.

what i'm saying is, we don't get to choose, but then again, we do. if you're paying attention you can eliminate the cause(s). you can go in a different direction. i don't mean you specifically, i mean the collective 'you' i mean me. there's a row of meyer lemon trees outside the window of the room i sat in. and one avocado tree. i'm always grateful for the windows. they're floor to ceiling and the sun is always fucking shining here.

you'd think it would be impossible to be in a bad mood with all of this sunshine, but it's surprisingly easy.

yeah i don't get it.

don't comment here. stay on formspring. tell me that you went [1] and that you can breathe because at least you know now. either way, at least you know. i mean sometimes it's the not knowing that'll drive you fucking crazy.