i keep realizing that i'm holding my breath; that i've been holding my breath. there's a name for that if you're asleep, but i'm awake.if i mail a blank letter, will that make sense? will she know that what i mean to say is everything, but that i couldn't write it because i was either too afraid or too confused? how is it possible to have said so much for so long without actually having said anything you meant to say? how is that even possible. also it's not fair (but nothing is) to hear anyone's truth without shouting back your own. or i don't know maybe i expect the sea floor.
i had a nightmare that nothing was packed but it was time to go. i was organizing the cabinet that holds the plastic wrap and aluminum foil and wax paper and it was time to go and i hadn't packed anything. i didn't want to pack anything and i wondered if anyone would know that it was my lack of desire, not my lack of planning, that had caused this delay. i wondered if they would know but i knew that even if they did, it wouldn't matter.