sometimes when it's 1am and the light in the living room is just right and a vacant-sounding song is playing quietly on this laptop, i can't believe it's over.and i wish i was talking about you but i'm talking about him. when one of the reasons a person exists, no longer exists, things seem semi-permanent and flimsy. most things. even the parts that came from the reason a person exists seem like they might change and start looking and sounding like something else, or like nothing at all. and when you're there, you can't just shake your head side to side and squeeze your eyes shut and scream NO I DON'T LIKE IT I DON'T LIKE IT I DON'T LIKE IT NO you can, but you know it won't matter.

remember when you thought it would matter? remember when it did?

i found a letter i'd written -- it was a card actually and the address was on the envelope and it was sealed and all that was missing was a stamp. i have 17 first class stamps tonight right now in this house. i counted them. seventeen.

but anyway.