i have more than 20 drafts of this thing i've been writing all day and the problem is, they're all too big. they hold too much and so they're just not right. i don't know how to talk about this without talking about the effect it's had on me, because that's what i do -- i talk about how everything looks from here. but i want her to know things that i don't know how to say if i'm not saying them to everyone. that's opposite of the way it should be. it's really frustrating. i want to say a lot.

i'll delete this.