draft from november 21, 2010, 11:30pm, originally titled "today actually":
when you're here i want to tell you that i feel stupid. i want to say that it always felt like pity and that i don't know what i'm doing ever. ever. i know it wasn't -- pity -- but the feeling was insurmountable. you were like a see-saw i needed both sides i needed to be low with one so i could be high with the other.